You know the old song … “Breaking up is Hard to Do” by Neil Sedaka?
“Don’t take your love, Away from me
Don’t leave my heart, In
misery
If you go, Then I’ll be blue
Cause breakin’ up is hard to
do.”
Have you ever had the experience of breaking up with someone? For this
discussion, let’s assume that it was *you* who broke off with her. (Getting
dumped is another whole can of worms.)
For example, for some time you were kind of nattering inside your head. She
did this, and she did that, and you didn’t like it. And she won’t do this other,
and that’s just stupid. And, frankly, you’ve just had it up to here. And some
other girl or girls are looking pretty good. And you need your freedom. And you
need to move on.
::: SOUND FAMILIAR?
And so then you said, “We’ve got to talk,” and you did talk and most likely
that wasn’t much fun (though sometimes you feel a little power, you evil
creature). And then she said something and you said something, and then later
she wasn’t there with you and the two of you had broken up.
And then what happened?
Maybe the next day, or maybe that same night, in between the feeling of glee
and excitement, you feel a tinge of … something. Something not quite right.
And then, before long, you start thinking back …
“Remember when, You held me tight
And you kissed me, All through the
night
Think of all, That we been through
Breakin’ up is hard to
do!”
And the first thing you know, you’re wallowing in uncertainty and anguish.
You *think* you did the right thing, but where is your feeling of certainty? You
wonder if just *maybe* you were too hasty. You wish that you’d spent another
night (or two) in the sack with her before breaking up. Damn!
And … you miss her.
Her “impossible and ridiculous” behavior seems to mutate like mist, becoming
merely annoying foibles. And before long, in your rose-colored remembrance,
these irritations become endearing quirks, even as you think about them.
::: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
And now … should you call her?
Back and forth you go. Back and forth you go.
And for most people, at least half the time you *do* call her back. And half
the time, you *do* get back together, though usually there’s a spike between you
that will never dissolve. And most of the time, the whole scene will repeat,
some time a little later.
If you’re stubborn, given to drama, or too clumsy to get another girlfriend,
god forbid, but the scene may play out over and over, until maybe *she* gets fed
up, and then one time when you call her to make up … she isn’t interested.
Now all this is very human, and very common. It’s not a good thing, but
you’re hardly a hardened criminal for the committing of this particular
crime.
::: WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?
To answer this interesting question, we’ll find it handy to examine the
subject of “inertia.”
Oh, no- Wait a minute. We’ve already talked about inertia. You may want to
review the subject. I’ll bet it will seem most useful, in a brand new way.
So let’s not discuss inertia. Instead let’s talk about the neurons in your
brain. That’s always fun.
::: THE MYSTERIOUS ‘SUBCONSCIOUS MIND’
People think that the ’subconscious mind’ or the ‘unconscious mind’ is
something big and mysterious. It’s dark, and lurky, and who knows what the hell
it’s doing in there. It’s supposed to be with us all the time. And it can cause
us to do things ‘unconsciously,’ like pick your nose in front of the bishop if
you ’subconsciously’ don’t like him.
Jeez! That mysterious ’subconscious mind’ could get a guy in a lot of
trouble!
Well, of course sometimes it can. But most of the time we get ourselves in
trouble without much help from dark and lurky things deepy hidden away inside
us.
But doesn’t the ’subconscious mind’ start to sound like a stalker in a horror
movie?
And it’s not that big a deal. And it’s not that mysterious.
::: HERE’S HOW IT WORKS
You’re a kid and you learn to tie your shoe. And you have to really, really
concentrate to do it. And the next day, still, it’s difficult. But a few days
later, you’ve really got it. And maybe you feel real proud for a little
while.
But a week or two later, it’s just a task. You have to pay attention, but
it’s not a big deal. And if you fast-forward a few years to your new career as a
corporate executive, or on your first day as the janitor at The Bigge Building
downtown, when you’re putting on your shoes on that day, you’re thinking about
the new job and you don’t want to be late, and now your shoes are tied, so you
stand up.
What just happened?
Where did tying your shoes go?
It went into a different part of your brain, where (like any habit) you’ve
built (by repetition) a set of automatic behaviors. All you have to do (in the
conscious part of your mind) is think: Shoes; tie shoes. And an
automatic set of reflexes happened, as automatic as righting yourself when your
bicycle tilts to the left. And that automatic reflex operated your body and tied
your shoes.
My friend, that is the unconscious mind.
That, and nothing else, is the subconscious mind.
I will personally beat the crap out of Sigmund Freud, if he wishes to push
it.
We could, in a similar fashion, say that your “personality” is the net sum
total of all your learned behaviors, social habits, preferences and avoidances,
opinions, chronic emotions, usual ways of approaching problems, and who you
automatically like and dislike.
And notice something. The way you are … is the way you usually (and
automatically) are.
::: MAINTAINING AND RETURNING TO A ‘STABLE STATE’
One powerful principle used by this automatic-mind, in helping you to operate
your body and your thought-processes, is this:
The mind and body attempt to return to the ‘Stable State.’
In fact, we could call this “Body and Mind Operating Principle #1.”
In textbooks, they call this ‘homeostasis’. This does not mean a railroad
station for homosexuals. It means ’same state.’ (homeo = ’same’, and stasis =
unmoving state)
For example, your body regulates your blood pressure. By built-in feedback
mechanisms, when pressure is high, some chemicals are released and pressure
drops. When pressure is too low, some chemicals are released and pressure goes
up. It’s all very clever.
Likewise a given mental state can operate your whole life long. For example,
a baby learns early on that crying will bring help and attention. In normal
cases, perhaps most of us learn additional ways to get help and attention, but
imagine a business meeting, and one fellow isn’t getting his way. Suddenly, he’s
red in the face, he’s making a lot of noise, and he’s pounding on the table. He
learned that particular behavior when he was an infant, but he doesn’t realize
now that the same automatic behavior is no longer working in his favor.
The key is in whether a behavior is “automatic.”
::: RUNNING ON AUTOMATIC vs BREAKING A HABIT
When you run on automatic, you tend to automatically re-engage the automatic
behaviors that you long ago built into your ’subconscious mind.’ If you remain
unconscious of this activity, and don’t question it, it will persist. Only if
you notice that your behavior is not working, or kind of odd, or automatic, and
you say, “Hmmm. That’s interesting,” will it suddenly stop running on automatic.
Inspected, it vanishes. Uninspected, it runs unconsciously.
That’s how you tie a shoe. And that’s how you operate large parts of your
life.
To break a habit, here’s the rule:
Your body and your mind will succumb to your will, if you are
consistent.
But when you’re breaking up with somebody, you can’t really practice being
consistent as you could if it was a case of doing your exercise each day until it becomes a habit.
When you break up, you’re engaging in a behavior that is a radical departure
from your habitual behavior over the last few weeks or months or even years. So
it’s new. And that’s why sometimes it can kind of wake you up and make you feel
alive, just as a funeral or danger sometimes does.
But as soon as she’s gone, what does the ’subconscious’ (automatic) mind try
to do?
::: BODY AND MIND OPERATING PRINCIPLE #1
When she’s gone, your body automatically tries to follow Body and Mind
Operating Principle Number One.
Your body and your ‘unconscious’ (automatic) mind tries to re-establish the
previous stable state. Its tendencies to homeostasis will (automatically) lead
your thoughts and behaviors back along the lines that would re-establish that
particular girlfriend back in your life.
And so back and forth you go.
Unless, of course, you notice that something’s peculiar, and you look at your
behavior and suddenly you say, “Hmmm. That’s interesting!”
